


Julius Shrekster

by ermayzing



Category: Julius Caesar - Shakespeare, Shrek Series
Genre: Gen, Julius Caesar - Freeform, Memes, play rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5731075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ermayzing/pseuds/ermayzing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People are plotting against The Ogrelord. They don't want him to get the crown, or rule over Far Far Away. What will happen if the conspirators succeed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Started: November 12, 2015
> 
> Finished: January 8, 2016

 

It started as a normal day. All was well in Hempfield High School. However, unbeknownst to the rest of the school, two students were devising a master plan to write the dankest play rewrite of all time.

That’s right, it was none other than Henry Perez and Erin May, the official Dank Memers of Hempfield High School. They were planning something. Something huge.

For the past few weeks in their English class, they had been reading Julius Caesar. It was no wonder this play striked their interest. After all, it was pretty clear _something_ was going on between Cassius and Brutus (and honestly, it was just a little creepy).

Erin, in late 2014 and early 2015, had written more than 10 Shrek fanfictions and distributed them throughout the school, but had since run out of ideas as to what to write about. This was the perfect opportunity.

Henry quickly claimed copyright to the idea, proposing they both rewrite Julius Caesar into a warped Shrek story.

Then, it began. They worked countless hours, planning the layout of the story, the character roles, and so on. Finally, the writing process began.

Now you may be wondering, why would anyone do such a thing as this? Who thought this would be a good idea? What is the overall purpose?

Well, the truth is, nobody knows. The writers don’t know. Not even Shrek knows, and that’s saying something.

So we might as well all go along with it.


	2. Important Information

 

LAYOUT

 

Yeah, yeah, whatever. We know Julius Caesar was written as a play. We know it had stage directions and acts and scenes and all that complicated stuff. We, however, are writing it with the layout and style of a normal frickin’ story. Deal with it.

Also, it should be noted that there will be minor inconsistencies, but that’s to be expected. The story will end almost directly after the death scene (spoiler alert, sorry). An alternate ending may be published separately from this story.

 

CHARACTERS

 

 

We have adjusted the amount of characters in the story. Obviously we can’t transmute the Julius Caesar play in it’s entirety into a Shrek story, that would take way more time and effort than we have to spend (and even if we did have the time and energy, we probably wouldn’t want to use it on this anyway).

 

In some parts, a character may be mentioned or make an appearance, but they will not be listed here. This is because we added them in as an extra, and these areas in the story are mainly improv.

 

THINGS

 

 **Ides of March (March 15)** : In _Julius Caesar_ , the Ides of March is supposed to be the time when something bad is to happen. However, in this rewrite, it will change to **The Shrekiversary (April 22).**

 

 **The Omens** : Although there are multiple omens in the original, we will only be using 3 in this story. **The dream** that Calpurnia has will remain the same, Albus will have that. The two that will change will be **people on fire, but not burning** , which will turn into **onions in the frying pan, but not cooking** , and **animals with no hearts** will turn into **slugs with no slime.**

 

 **Festival of Lupercal** : This festival in the original play, which was a festival celebrating the god of fertility, will change to **The Rare Pepe Parade**. And yes, it is named after the dank meme.

 

 **Rome** : The city this all takes place in will now be known as not Rome, but **Far Far Away**.

 

 **Pompey’s Porch** : This area will become the **House of Yeezus**.

 

 **The Senate** : The Senate will become the **Swamp Society** , and they will be having a meeting.

 

NOTES

 

The beginning will start differently than the original play.

  
No Flavius and Marullus fighting with commoners, but rather Farquaad as Cassius.

  
That is all.


	3. ACT 1

CHAPTER 1A

 

Farquaad was a reasonable man, that was just a fact. He accepted things as they were with an open mind, and he was ready for any given situation. He would never interfere with the general flow of things unless he saw fit. And it was for this very reason that he was standing now, in the middle of the courtyard… red in the face, and screaming his lungs out.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU GUYS,” he bellowed, his eyebrows coming so far together in anger that they almost merged into one. “YOU’RE ALL MINDLESS. YOU PATHETIC, UNCULTURED SWINES. I HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR A MERE PAPERCLIP THAN I HAVE FOR ALL OF YOU COMBINED!”

The citizens of Far Far Away were lost. What was this mini-madman going on about? And, really, a _paperclip_? Those weren’t even invented yet! That’s like, a whopping 1,943 years away. Offensive, much?

“Excuse me, small sir,” one citizen dared to speak up, “but, what exactly are you talking about?”

Farquaad scoffed, “Are you really asking that? Everything about this situation is wrong. Now let me get this straight… Shrek is—was—my B.O.B.”

At this, the citizens all shared a confused look, to which Farquaad let out a long sigh.

“Best Ogre Bud. Duh. Truly, have you no brain?” He closed his eyes momentarily, then continued, “But yes, he was a dear friend. Now, though? Well, now, he is nothing more than a snobby upperclassman. I cannot for the life of me figure out why you all follow him.”

A second citizen spoke up at this, “Farquaad, is it? Tell me, why do you care so much? Are you sure this isn’t another one of your sad attempts to take over? Because I hate to break it to you, man, but the Farquaad Swag Squad just isn’t going to happen.”

As his dark hair covered his face, tears could be seen cascading down over Farquaad’s cheeks. His head snapped up, pure rage filling his eyes, “You are all wannabes, fakes! You do nothing but jump on the bandwagon when it is convenient for you! Have you no true loyalty? Have you no respect? No! I will not have it!” He grabbed a fistful of the citizen’s hair, “What happened to Yeezus? Kanye West, remember him? He ruled over Far Far Away for years! And then he dies and you all just _move on_? Well I’ll tell you what… I will _never_ move on. Shrek should have never gained the throne. He may be just, he may be kind, but he will bring destruction to this land, believe you me. He’s an _ogre_ , it’s what they _do_. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s the truth, and you all know it too. And if you all won’t stop him, I will!”

Citizens stood with their mouths hung open in shock as the man walked away in a fit of rage. Was he serious? Would Shrek do that? No… he couldn’t, could he? Shrek wasn’t that kind of ogre. He _cared_ about them. He would never do that. But still… Farquaad seemed pretty convinced. The thought scratched at the back of the people’s minds all day.

Would Shrek bring destruction?

 

CHAPTER 1B

 

This only happened once a year. Everyone would gather together on equal ground and celebrate, throwing parties in the street, having contests, and celebrating the creation of one of the Dankest Memes of all time.

The Pepe Parade was a grand event. Each year Shrek and his friends would attend and enjoy the many festivities available. This year a race was being held, and Donkey had announced he would be galloping alongside the other participants.

“Now remember, Donkey,” Shrek’s booming ogre voice could be heard all up and down the street. “When you pass us, stroke Albus Dumbledore’s beard. It gives you good luck, you know."

Albus had been a lifelong companion to Shrek. His “extra layer,” as some would say. He was always beside Shrek, loyal and loving.

“My long face follicles _do_ indeed have a mysterious quality to them,” Albus said with a wink. “Don’t miss your chance.”

At this, they all burst into laughter, cracking jokes and smiling wide. It was nearly noon, and the race would be starting soon. The sky was almost completely clear, with only a few clouds floating around. Shrek’s ogre ears bounced in delight.

“BEWARE,” a voice piped up. People glanced around, confused. Upon not seeing who the voice belonged to, they all quickly resumed their festivities. But then…

“I SAID _BEWARE!_ ”

Once again, everyone stopped, glancing around.

“Who calls? Who interrupts the Pepe Parade?” Shrek raised his voice.

“I’M DOWN HERE! LOOK _DOWN_ YOU PEOPLE!”

When Shrek looked down, he was greeted with… a gingerbread cookie? Wait, but… no… this cookie was no ordinary cookie at all.

“Albus! Have you been enchanting the baked goods again?”

“No, of course not! I learned my lesson about _that_ after I—”

“ENOUGH! I’m not enchanted, okay? At least, not by him. I promise you this. But, I come bearing a warning,” the small gingerbread man said.

“A warning?” Shrek furrowed his thick, brown eyebrows, questioning.

“Yes, a warning. A warning for _you_ , dear Ogrelord.”

“Alright, now, what’s your name? And what gives you the right to warn _me_?”

“I have no name, not really. My creator never bestowed a title upon m—”

“GINGY!” Donkey loudly intervened.

“...Excuse me?”

“Your name is Gingy now,” Donkey said with a grin.

“O-okay… well, nonetheless, I must give you this message. As the gods have prophesied, as the universe commands, I tell you this, Shrek… The Shrekiversary is near, and you must beware.”

“Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Beware, Ogrelord. Beware The Shrekiversary.” With this, Gingy left.

“Shrek?” Albus spoke.

“What a waste of time that was!” Shrek laughed, turning back to Donkey. “Go run in the race, my friend. And remember to stroke the beard. Do not let that foolish pastry affect our joyful moods! This day is destined to be grand!”

“Shrek…” Albus repeated warily.

“WHOO! Man I am _so_ glad you didn’t listen to that dude, Shrek! He sure was a… tough cookie… HA!” Donkey ran away, laughing at his own joke.

 

_(scene change)_

 

Prince Charming smiled, his eyes wandering over the gleeful people as they scurried around excitedly. It was almost time for the next event, so everyone was making their way to the next location.

“Ah! Charming, is that you?”

Prince Charming turned around to offer his greetings to the one who spoke, but as he looked around, there was no one.

“Who goes there?” he asked.

“Ahem!” the voice came again, and Prince Charming looked down.

“Ah, Farquaad. Pardon me.”

Farquaad looked up at Charming with a sly smile, choosing to ignore the indirect insult for the time being. He was here for a reason, he mustn’t forget that.

“Charming, you’ve seemed off recently, is everything quite alright?”

“Yes, yes, everything is well. I’ve simply been… distracted, is all.”

“Aha… well, I couldn’t help but notice something, you see. You’re close friends with Shrek, I presume?”

“Shrek is one of my best friends,” Charming said with a smile. He and Shrek were closer than close could be.

“Of course, of course… well, I just… don’t take this the wrong way, Charming, I mean nothing against your friendship. You are a very honorable man, and I respect that, I do… but I can’t help but think that, perhaps, Shrek does not.”

Prince Charming tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean by that?” he asked.

“Please, Charming. You really can’t see it? Here’s the thing: all the citizens of Far Far Away look up to you, as they should, because you are a noble and well-rounded man. But, while Shrek does love you, you are also his friend. And as his friend, he regards you on a more casual note. You see?”

“I… guess so. But, even if that is true—”

“—which it _is_ —”

“—you should not speak so out of place!” Prince Charming finished with a scowl. He couldn’t help but think of what Farquaad was saying. He wished he couldn’t see the point being made, but he could.

“I’m only _saying_ , Charming. The people would be _much_ happier to have someone such as yourself leading them, even if that meant getting rid of Shrek. I don’t mean to speak against the Ogrelord, of course, I would never. All I’m trying to say is, you deserve to be treated as much more than you are now.”

“Farquaad, I—”

“Shrek is no better than us, Charming, and you know it. He _doesn’t deserve the throne_.”

Prince Charming’s eyes were unreadable as he scanned Farquaad’s face. Charming had said many times before that he “loved honor more than he feared death.” But still, killing Shrek? His closest friend? How had this even come about? Still…

“Though I love Shrek — and, Farquaad, do not think this discards my love for him — I must admit… I do not wish to see him with the crown.”

“Yes! Yes, Charming, our thoughts are the same. Though I do love Shrek and I wish not to hurt him, I do not think he is fit for the crown. Who knows what he will do with that power, really…”

Shouts and cheers came from a distance, catching the attention of both men. Farquaad sneered out of view of Charming. The same cheers would probably ring out when the people crowned Shrek. Oh, what a thought…

Turning back to Prince Charming, Farquaad continued, “I must say, Charming, if we don’t stop this from happening, we must be cowards. Please, tell me you’re with me on this! After all, your ancestors also helped take down a dangerous leader, so why not carry out the deed for yourself? Why break the family tradition now?”

“Farquaad, you’re really pushing it here—”

“—I’m sorry! Sorry, Charming. I am not trying to be the bad guy. Please, just think of what I am proposing. That is all I ask.”

Looking away, Charming finally caved, “Farquaad… fine. I will think about it. But please, give me time and space to think.”

“Of course, anything. I swear to you,” Farquaad promised.

Finally, after a little while more, the Ogrelord, along with the rest, returned. Upon their return, Prince Charming could immediately recognize their mutual unhappiness.

When Shrek looked at Farquaad, he gave him the most foul look anyone had ever witnessed. Following Shrek was Donkey, who, upon witnessing the look directed at Farquaad, uttered, “Oooooo, man, Farquaad. He gave you the _stank eye_.”

“Donkey,” Shrek said, “I want to be surrounded by those who have all they can get. I want to be surrounded by those who want no more, who are content, happy. People which are the complete opposite of Farquaad, here. The look in his eyes is nothing but hunger and jealousy. Pathetic.”

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FARQUAAD YOU JUST GOT _ROASTED_ , MAN!”

“Donkey! I _insulted_ the man, I didn’t drop a mixtape.”

“I get it Shrek, I do,” Donkey nodded, “but, man, Farquaad isn’t a threat to you. I promise. And if he ever _did_ become a threat to you, I’d squish him with my hoof, I swear. He is small enough for it, after all.”

Farquaad let out a noise of discontent at the remark, but said nothing else. Shrek walked away, with Albus and Donkey on his heels.

Farquaad glanced around until he spotted someone who seemed to be coming from the same direction as Shrek had been.

“YOU!” Farquaad yelled, grabbing the man by the sleeve. “Tell me, what is your name?”

The man looked at Farquaad, bewildered by him, “I-I… my… name? I’m Weulf. Weulf, sir.”

“Weulf, then. I am Farquaad. Do you know what all that cheering was about a moment ago?”

“Well, Farquaad, sir, the Ogrelord Shrek was being offered the crown, you see.”

Farquaad gasped. The crown?! He gripped Weulf’s shirt tight in his fists, pulling him close in anger, “Tell me everything that happened, now!”

“S-sir I promise I-I’ll tell you everything you need to know, please!”

“Well?!”

“THIS! T-this… this is what I saw, okay? So Shrek, Donkey, and Dumbledore were all up on this platform, right? And Donkey had the crown, a-and he offered the crown to Shrek. But Shrek, he refused it. And so again, Donkey offered, but the same thing happened! Shrek refused the crown three separate times! Can you believe that?”

“If he refused the crown, why was the crowd cheering?” Prince Charming asked.

“Well I would assume out of respect for the Ogrelord, sir! This is all I know, now I beg you, let me go!”

“Not yet! Tell me… what is _your_ view on things?” Farquaad squinted suspiciously, eager to know how a citizen would see all this.

“M-my view?”

“ _Yes_ , boy, can’t you hear?!”

“Sorry! Sorry, I’m sorry… well… I mean… and I don’t mean to speak out of turn here, but… I find the whole thing pretty dumb, you know? Three different times Shrek refused the crown, but each time he seemed less sure of his decision. Like he didn’t _want_ to say no, but he did. The whole thing was a mess at the end, though. Someone thought it would be funny to throw a radish on stage, instead of an onion, and Shrek cried. Really, he _cried!_ ”

Farquaad let go of Weulf, pushing him away violently. “He still does not have the crown then? Good…”

Weulf looked back and forth between Farquaad and Prince Charming before bolting in the other direction. That’s the last time he ever attends a public event.

“Farewell, Farquaad,” Prince Charming mumbled, turning away.

“You’re leaving? But what about—”

“—I told you, Farquaad, do not ask me about this again for a while. I must think of it. Alone.”

Farquaad sighed, “Prince Charming… ah, of course. I’m sorry.”

With this said, Charming went on his way, leaving Farquaad alone with his thoughts. Of course it would be difficult to convince Charming to see things the same as himself. Shrek has always been good at manipulating people, playing favorites. But, still… Farquaad will convince him, no matter what it takes. Of this, he is certain.

 

CHAPTER 1C

 

“And then… AND THEN! The onions… they… THEY WEREN’T FRYING! THEY WERE IN THE PAN AND THEY WEREN’T FRYING, MAN,” the distressed voice of Weulf Nutile could be heard crying out in the streets, as he retold the events of the past day to his good friend Abraham.

“Perhaps the gods are angry with us,” Abraham supplied.

“Oh, my friend, it gets worse. Get this: I saw a frickin’ nighttime bird while light was still out today!”

Abraham gasped dramatically, “Weulf, no way!”

“YES WAY.”

“These must be omens. There is simply no other way. I fear that not even the great prophet Bill Nye could think of a logical explanation for these bizarre events.”

“Of course I agree. Even if he hasn’t been born yet, I know that the Bill Nye we all know and trust would definitely travel back in time and warn us if this had _anything_ to do with science or logic. I just know it!” Weulf nodded his head along with Abraham.

“However, Weulf,” Abraham began grimly, “we cannot jump to conclusions. People interpret things as they see them, and we cannot risk worrying the public anymore than necessary.”

“Of course, Abraham.”

“Now, I must be on my way. As you may have heard, Shrek will be at the Capitol tomorrow. This has been confirmed,” Abraham said.

Weulf nodded, taking into account the new information. With this, Abraham left, and Weulf was left alone once more with his thoughts.

He hadn’t even noticed he began to walk away until he tripped. Looking up, he took in his surroundings. Distantly, he noticed, he could hear a familiar voice yelling. Following the direction it was coming from, he soon noticed Farquaad, standing and screaming at the sky.

“STRIKE ME DOWN! RIGHT NOW!” Farquaad screamed, voice cracking.

“...Farquaad?” Weulf began timidly.

“RIGHT NOW YA GODS! LET’S GO MATE, SQUARE-GO LIKE!”

“F-Farquaad wha—”

“YE YE LET’S GOOO!”

“FARQUAAD! ENOUGH!”

“I SWEA— Weulf? The boy from the festival? Is that _you?_ ” Farquaad stepped forward.

“Farquaad, what on earth are you doing? This is not something you should take lightly. This is a warning from the gods!” Weulf exaggerated.

“Obviously, Weulf, you idiot. But the gods are making this world disco-fabulous. And, although it does inspire me to take out my jazz hands and fancy-pants and party until the sun goes down, we need to fix this. They’re clearly mad about the state of Far Far Away, and with Shrek rising so quickly to power. And for good reason, too!”

“O’ LAWD YEEZUS, FARQUAAD! This again?” Weulf bellowed.

“You have no room to speak! You, and all the other citizens from Far Far Away, are nothing but cowards. You stand by and do nothing, all the while Shrek is getting stronger and stronger.”

“Excuse me? Farquaad, I am not a coward simply for not sharing my opinion. And if you must know, I share _your_ opinion of all this,” Weulf’s voice was steady as he presented his stance, but his mind was not. In truth, he wasn’t sure what side he was on. Of course he looked up to Shrek, but he also would admit to seeing the potential negative effects of his rule. But, for now at least, he would not _stand_ here and be called a coward! He would have to agree.

“Oh, do you?” Farquaad sounded vaguely suspicious.

“Yes! Yes, I swear it.”

“Alright then…”

Weulf knew he still wasn’t convinced. He had to think fast.

“Shrek! He… he’ll be at the Swamp Society meeting tomorrow. The Capitol. They plan to crown him,” Weulf said hurriedly. He had to convince Farquaad he was on his team.

Farquaad squinted and smirked, obviously interested in the new information. “He will?”

“Yes. I got confirmation from my friend Abraham.”

“Oh, joy! I will bring my knife. I’ll bring _all_ my knives, and I will kill Shrek where he stands! The people will have no leader, and they will be lost. All of them, stupid, worthless unless they are given someone to follow,” Farquaad laughed, then stopped abruptly, realizing what he has said. “Ah, Weulf, I did not mean to reveal so much. You, always so willing to follow Shrek, I have insulted you.”

Weulf’s head snapped up. Was that really how Farquaad saw him? Was he just a follower? He was… And all because of Shrek! Now he was angry.

“Farquaad, no. I will not follow Shrek. I will _not_ be a follower. I will kill him, just as you!”

“Splendid! That’s wonderful! Well, come now, there is a meeting with the others at the House of Yeezus.”

“The others?” Weulf asked.

“Yes, the others who will aid me in my efforts,” Farquaad explained. “Although, there is only one fellow so far. I’m working on it, though.”

“Oh,” Weulf said, “well, let’s go then.”

If Weulf’s mind hadn’t been made up before, it was now.

 

_(scene change)_

Upon their arrival the House, Farquaad and Weulf were met with the other conspirator.

“Farquaad,” the man began, “who is this?”

“Davillion, this is Weulf. Weulf, this is Davillion. He, too, is going to help me eradicate Shrek.”

“Nice to meet you, Davillion,” Weulf shook the man’s hand, smiling.

“You as well,” Davillion nodded. Then, turning to Farquaad, he continued, “Farquaad, tell me, have you convinced Prince Charming to join us? I understand that you have talked to him, and I believe our chances of getting rid of the ogre would be all the better with him on our side.”

“He said he would think about it, yes. But I have a plan to make sure he will agree with us.”

Weulf and Davillion both looked up at that, suddenly much more attentive. Having Charming on their side was crucial.

“Here,” Farquaad said to Davillion, handing him a series of letters. “Prince Charming must read these. I need you to place them where he will find them. Each is made to look like it has been written by a different citizen, and each one makes it appear that the citizens of Far Far Away would rather follow Charming than Shrek. I am certain that if he reads these, they will persuade him to join our side. I’m trusting you with this, Davillion, do not let me down,” he finished. Farquaad handed the letters to Davillion, who nodded quickly before taking his leave.

“Are you sure that will work?” Weulf asked, doubtful.

Farquaad turned to him, determination shining in his eyes. “I have no doubts, Weulf. Prince Charming will be convinced. By morning, he will be on our side. Just you see.”

Weulf nodded, believing. After all, Farquaad was a mastermind in manipulation. Indeed, Prince Charming would be with them by the next day. He had to be.


	4. ACT 2

 

CHAPTER 2A

 

Prince Charming stood alone in his garden, gazing up at the stars. The pale moonlight illuminated his skin and cast a shadow on the dew-covered grass below. He couldn’t help but think of the conspiracy. Shrek  _ was _ his friend, but… the more he thought about it, the more he seemed to agree with Farquaad. Shrek must die. Prince Charming, of course, had no personal motivation to do so, because Shrek hadn’t done anything to  _ him _ , per se, but the fact that he  _ could _ …

 

One day, Shrek could turn evil. He hasn’t yet, but once he got the crown, who knows what could happen? Still… was that in itself enough to kill him? Prince Charming struggled with this fact. There was no evidence to go off of that getting the crown would change Shrek for the worse, but who wants to take that chance? What if one day Shrek  _ does _ turn evil and Prince Charming knows that he could have stopped it? To him, that simply wasn’t worth it. So there was only one thing to do.

 

He was going to kill Shrek.

 

Besides, he had already found multiple letters from the citizens of Far Far Away, urging him to do what was right, and telling him that they would rather have  _ him _ , so in reality, wouldn’t he be doing the people a  _ favor _ ?

 

Suddenly, there was an unexpected rattling of the gate which leads into his garden. Prince Charming automatically took a fighting stance (he vaguely wondered if he should turn Super Saiyan, but then he remembered that Saiyans aren’t real, and that the creation of Dragon Ball Z was literally hundreds of years away).

 

“Be calm, Charming,” a familiar voice called out from the edge of the garden. Farquaad, along with two other shady looking individuals emerged from the shadows.

 

“ _ Farquaad? _ ” Prince Charming glared, letting his guard down. “You couldn’t be bothered to announce your presence instead of going about the property like an intruder?”

 

Farquaad scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Charming, we’ve come to discuss Shrek. More specifically, the conspiracy. Have you made your decision yet?”

 

“Oh,” Charming looked down. “Yes… I… I’ve made my decision.”

 

Farquaad and the two others raised their eyebrows.

 

“Well?”

 

“I will join you, Farquaad. I have come to terms with the potential threat that Shrek is. I want to help you get rid of him.”

 

Farquaad’s surprised look melted into one of glee. His grin was so big it was almost scary.

 

“Oh, wonderful!” He laughed, grabbing Prince Charmings hands, which were promptly ripped away. Still, he danced. “I’m so glad, Charming! Trust me, you’ve made the right decision. You won’t regret it!”

 

Prince Charming squinted, watching the short man as he moved around excitedly. But then, rather abruptly, Farquaad stopped. He still had that happy look on his disproportioned face, but now he was staring directly at Charming.

 

“Prince Charming, Weulf, Davillion,” Farquaad began, looking at each of them individually. “We should swear an oath. None of us can back out of this. It must be set in stone.”

 

Everyone put their hands up except Charming, who stood just as he had been before. Displeasement seemed to radiate off of him.

 

“Charming, please, you must swear it too. After all… you can’t just  _ back out _ of this type of thing, you know,” Davillion spoke up.

 

“Of course I know, you idiot!” Charming snapped. “I just don’t see why we must swear an oath. After all, we are citizens of Far Far Away, aren’t we? And we never swear. It’s always our word, and our word is always trusted. If you all cannot accept my word than perhaps I should not—”

 

“Nonsense, Charming, nonsense! Of course we trust your word!” Farquaad hurriedly assured the man, not willing to lose his support.

 

Charming smirked, delighted. “Then it is settled.”

 

All four of them glanced at one another, nodding. Their plan was now in full effect, and they must stick to it.

 

“Right,” Farquaad began, “I think this is a proper meeting now, then? Therefore I have some suggestions. Of course we’re annihilating the ogre, but what of his friend? I do think it’s best if we take that Donkey off the map as well…”

 

“Donkey?” Weulf asked. “But… he’s done nothing wrong!”

 

“True, but what if after Shrek is gone, he rises and becomes a new, bigger problem? He will most certainly want revenge, won’t he?”

 

“No, Farquaad, we must not kill Donkey,” Prince Charming interrupted. “If we do, it will only make us look like mindless killers. We are doing this with a purpose, aren’t we? For the greater good? Killing Donkey will not be justice. Plus, once Shrek is dead, Donkey will be nothing. After all, what use is an arm if the head of the body is cut off?”

 

The other three considered this. Although they did not agree completely, they nodded, accepting Charming’s ways. He seemed to have taken charge of the plan.

 

“Furthermore, we will need to kill the Ogrelord with grace. Make a fine spectacle of him, make him beautiful in his time of death. An ugly body makes for an ugly opinion, you know. This is a positive act, not a negative one.”

 

Again, they all nodded.

 

“I love that we are getting along with this, but there is one potential problem in the midst of it all. I’ve been hearing that Shrek may take a day off instead of going to the Capitol. Perhaps because of all the bad stuff that has been happening recently,” Davillion informed.

 

“Not to worry,” Farquaad interjected. “I will convince him to attend, without a doubt. I am very… manipulative… as you well know.” And that he was.

 

“Delightful,” Prince Charming deadpanned. “Well then, all that’s left to do now is  _ act casual _ . And this is vital to the masterplan. Smile and laugh as usual, as if there is nothing happening. And when the time comes, we strike.”

 

Smiles broke out amongst the four men. So it was official. This was happening.

 

“Well, everyone… meeting adjourned?” Farquaad laughed, turning and leaving, the others trailing behind him.

 

Once everyone was gone, Prince Charming let out a quiet sigh and made his way back inside. He was immediately met with Fiona, his wife, who was sitting up in their shared bed, a troubled look on her face.

 

“Charming… I think we need to have a talk about what’s been going on with you lately,” Fiona said, her red hair dangling in the air.

 

“Ah, Fiona, my love,” Prince Charming breathed, gliding over to the bed and sitting in front of the woman. He lifted his hand and rested it upon her soft head. “Oh, your hair, it reminds me of the most delicate ramen noodles I’ve ever laid eyes on. Coated in the best seasoning, mmm,” he hummed.

 

“As much as I love your compliments, I  _ am _ serious.”

 

Charming visibly deflated at this, dropping his hand. “Alright, then. What is it you wish to discuss?”

 

“You’ve been so angry and conflicted lately. You know, if something is bothering you, you can always tell me,” Fiona promised.

 

“Of course, Fiona, I know. I promise, it’s nothing. Perhaps I am becoming ill. Don’t worry yourself, please.”

 

“An illness of the mind, more like,” Fiona laughed lightheartedly. “But really… I do nothing but serve you, Charming. I am loyal, I can keep a secret, and I love you. And if you’d rather talk to creepy men walking out of the shadows in the middle of the night instead of your  _ wife _ , then I’m not sure what to expect.”

 

“Oh, you… you saw that?” Charming asked, receiving a nod from Fiona. “I’m sorry, my love. Ah, what have I done to deserve you? I am but a man, and yet I have been rewarded with such a wonderful woman as yourself. It is  _ I _ that should be serving  _ you _ , tru—”

 

Both Fiona and Charming paused and looked up as a knock echoed throughout the house. Charming closed his eyes and hung his head momentarily, before looking back up to Fiona, and sending her to bed, promising he would explain everything eventually, just not  _ now _ . With a doubtful look, Fiona obeyed, and Charming made his way to the main room’s front door.

 

Maybe it was another person hopeful to join the conspiracy? That would be amazing. A smile on his face, Prince Charming opened the door and—

 

“Well, hello! Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Sa—”

 

_ SLAM. _

 

It seemed that all of Charming’s hopes and dreams were destined to crash and burn.

  
Charming sighed, returning to bed.

 

CHAPTER 2B

 

 

Shrek was pacing back and forth in his bedroom, worried. All of these omens, and now this. Three different times in his sleep, Albus had yelled about Shrek dying. That  _ couldn’t _ be a good sign, now, could it? No, of course not.

Shrek was quick to call out to one of his servants, telling him to find a priest and have them sacrifice the slime of one of their largest slugs. According to legend, the gods see that as the ultimate sacrifice. Maybe if they did this, a good omen would come about. And they sure needed one.

Shrek turned back toward the bed, hoping that he had not woken up Albus. But, as luck would have it, there the old wizard was, his 99 foot beard in tangles and a look of discontent on his face.

Albus marches up to him and Shrek resists the urge to step backwards. As much as Shrek believes he is undefeatable, Albus would spark fear in  _ anyone _ at this hour of the night, with  _ that _ look!

“Shrek, there is  _ no way _ you’re going to leave this room today. Nu-uh no  _ sir _ you will stay here  _ all day _ . I swear to god, dude, if you even  _ think _ of leaving, I will tie you up with my beard. And you know the magical strength each strand has. Don’t mess with it.”

“Albus, please, have you  _ seen _ me? Danger itself quakes in its shoes at the mere  _ sight _ of an ogre like me! There is nothing to worry about, my Love Onion, I promise you.”

“Yoooo, man, that’s not cool. I specifically said don’t. I mean, I suppose if circumstances were different, it would be okay, but the dead are literally  _ rising from their graves _ so excuse me for being worried!” Albus exclaimed.

Shrek rolled his eyes, and that was a mistake. You don’t just  _ roll your eyes _ at the most powerful wizard to ever live. That’s just not a thing you do.

“SHREK, YER PUSHIN’ ME OVER THE LINE HERE. I DREAMT OF YOUR DEATH, SHREK,  _ THREE TIMES! _ DO YOU KNOW HOW… HOW  _ OGRE-WHELMING _ THAT WAS FOR ME?! NO! YOU DON’T!” Albus finished, breathing heavily, before bursting into tears of sorrow.

Shrek’s expression softened at this. He put a hand on Albus’ shoulder, lifting the wizard’s chin towards him. “Albus, listen… I know this is scary. I know you’re worried, but even if I  _ don’t _ go to the Capitol, the gods will still get their way  _ somehow _ . So if what they want is my death, then they will get it. The choices I make will not persuade them otherwise.”

It was hard to hear. Albus only cried harder. Shrek hated seeing Albus cry. Of course, with Shrek’s love for onions, it seemed that someone was crying at any given time (mostly the chef), but this was different. Albus Dumbledore was a tough man, and it took a lot to bring him to proper tears. Still, Shrek knew his own words had truth in them.

The door to their bedroom creaked open as the same servant from before poked his head in. Shrek and Albus both turned their attention to the man, and they immediately noticed his pale appearance and timid nature.

“Mr. Ogrelord, sir… I regret to inform you t-that… the sacrifice d-didn’t go so well, you see… the slug, it… it had no slime.”

Shrek gasped, his big, meaty, ogre hand coming up to cover his mouth. That simply couldn’t be possible! Slugs in Far Far Away cannot live without their slime, so how is that possible? It had to be… the gods would not give them good omens. From this moment forward it was apparent that something horrible was on the horizon for them. The next step would be to deal with it.

Shrek used his initial surprise to motivate himself. He stood, yelling, “I cannot believe what I am hearing! What does this mean? I try to sacrifice to the gods and they sabotage the offering? Does this mean they doubt me? They underestimate me? This is simply not acceptable! I will join the Swamp Society at the Capitol today, and nothing will stop me! The Great Ogrelord is not afraid! Shrek will rise!” He screamed, his face taking on an odd shade as he heated up.

“Please, Shrek! Stay home, I beg you! Tell them it’s my fault! Tell them that I was the one who kept you home, not yourself… Shrek,  _ please, _ ” Albus beseeched, kneeling.

“Albus, I… alright,” Shrek agreed. “Donkey will cover for me. He will say that I am home… uh… grooming your beard?”

Albus deadpanned, “Shrek… why don’t you just say that I’m  _ sick _ and you’re  _ taking care of me _ ?”

“Ah, yeah. That might make more sense,” Shrek laughed, grinning.

“Then it’s settled? Wonderful! Thank you, Shrek. You’re making the right decision,” Albus smiled softly, and they returned to bed.

_ (scene change) _

Sunlight poured through the curtains, lighting up the entire room. Shrek groaned, sitting up and yawning. Today was the day. Or, it would be, if he was going to the Capitol. Which he  _ was not _ . Because he had promised…

“Albus,” he mumbled, looking around for the man. But it soon became apparent that Shrek’s Dumble-Dumpling was gone.

Picking out his fanciest robe, the one made of fine-silk onion skins that Albus had gotten him for his birthday, Shrek made his way down the massive stairwell and toward the main room of his home. There, he found Albus, who was talking to—

“Farquaad?!” Shrek called out, reaching the bottom of the stairs and making his way toward to man.

“Hello, Shrek,” the short man replied.

Looking back on the night previous, Farquaad wished it had been someone else to come and convince the Ogrelord. After all, how did he know if Shrek would listen to him? Last time they had seen each other, Shrek’s eyes had held nothing but menace for the little guy.

“What are you doing here?” Shrek questioned suspiciously.

“Why, I’m here to bring you to the Capitol, of course! The Swamp Society will be waiting,” Farquaad explained. “I’m sure you didn’t  _ forget _ , now, did you?”

“Preposterous! I’ve remembered just fine, thank you very much! In  _ fact _ —”

“He will not be attending, I’m afraid,” Albus interjected. “You can tell the Swamp Society he’s staying home.”

“And why is that?”

Shrek huffed, “I hardly need to state my reasons for staying home to a bunch of old men who hide behind their fancy titles.”

“Ah, I understand,” Farquaad nodded, deciding to take a different route. “But do not blame me if they laugh at you!”

As the man started to walk away, the ogre’s booming voice brought him to a halt.

“Wait! What do you mean by that?” Shrek tilted his head, confused.

Farquaad smirked to himself before turning back around. Shrek had taken the bait.

“Well, you’ll be thought of as a coward, don’t you see? Not only that, but they were planning to crown you today! If you don’t show up, they may very well change their minds,” Farquaad stated. “Of course, I only say this for your benefit. I assure you, my opinion of you will remain the sa—”

“I must go!”

Albus’ head snapped up so fast at this, that if it were anyone else, it would have resulted in a broken neck.

“Shrek, no!”

“Albus, it is foolish to stay home on a day such as this. You  _ must _ understand. Let us go then, Farquaad,” Shrek said, quickly going upstairs to change clothes.

As the ascended the stairwell, Albus couldn’t help but worry. Something bad was about to happen. He could just feel it.

_ (scene change) _

All four conspirators arrived at the Swamp Society meeting before Shrek. The Ogrelord had stopped for a short drink with Donkey. “For good luck,” he had said.

The four men all stood together, talking. The moment was almost here, and they must be ready.

“Shrek has no idea that some of his closest friends plan to kill him on this day,” Farquaad confirmed. The three others nodded.

“Remember the plan, everyone,” Davillion whispered hastily, before they all dispersed.

There was no room for relaxation on this day. They would all have to be focused to carry forth this plan. They could not forget the end goal here.

They must kill the Ogrelord.

_ (scene change) _

Shrek was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die. The conspirators  _ must _ be stopped, and Shrek must be made aware of their terrible scheme.

These were the thoughts that went through Braxley Bishwick’s mind as he stood, holding a letter in shaking hands. He knew about the plan that the four men had concocted, and he was determined to stop it from happening.

He had written a letter to the Ogrelord. It went into detail about the conspirators and what they were going to do. If Braxley could manage to intercept Shrek on his way to the Swamp Society conference, he could give the letter to him, and this could all be stopped!

  
Farquaad, Weulf, Prince Charming, and Davillion… they would _not_ get their way. Braxley would make sure of it.

 

CHAPTER 2C

 

 

“YOU MUST GET TO THE CAPITOL, QUICKLY! THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE!” Fiona Charming’s voice reverberated off the walls as she screamed the command at the poor servant, who was clueless. “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!  _ GO! _ ”

The young boy jumped as she yelled again. “I-I’m sorry, b-but what do you want me to  _ do _ once I’m there?”

“Prince Charming is involved in something horrible, and you  _ must _ look after him! I-I don’t know what to tell you to look for specifically, but  _ please _ , just look after him!” Fiona cried worriedly. “He… he hasn’t said anything outright, but I just  _ know _ that he’s gotten himself tangled up in something bad, and it involves Shrek.”

The servant sighs quietly. It seemed that there was no other way to rid Fiona of her worries than to just go and do as she says. He opens his mouth to speak, but is abruptly cut off by a frantic knock on the door.

“Fiona, wife of Prince Charming, I need to speak with you! It is a matter of great urgency,” a muffled voice sounded through the wood.

Sharing a confused look with the servant, Fiona stands and opens the door. Immediately, a body rushes past her and into the house. She whips around, only to be met with Braxley Bishwick.

“Braxley? What on earth is the matter?”

“I am here to inform you of my plans. Shrek is not yet at the Capitol, but he intends to show up there shortly. I have made it my goal to cross paths with him and deliver a gravely important message,” Braxley wheezed, out of breath from running to the house.

“An important message?” Fiona wondered aloud. She then looked down, troubled, before continuing, “I must ask, Braxley, and I need the truth. Is someone plotting against Shrek?”

Braxley nodded solemnly. “I believe so, Fiona. Although I do not have any hard proof, I witnessed a group of men talking of killing the Ogrelord.”

“Oh,” Fiona stared at him with sad eyes. There was only one reason he would come to  _ her _ about this… “I’m guessing you think Prince Charming is part of it?”

His hesitation was evident, but still, Braxley nodded. Fiona burst into tears, and Braxley did his best to console her. Really, though, what can one do to comfort the wife of a potential murderer?

“I must be on my way, now, if I want to make it in time.”

“Yes, yes, of course, Braxley. I understand. Thank you for telling me. Go,” she insisted, even though the tears had not stopped.

As the door slammed behind the man, Fiona turned back to the servant, who she had almost forgotten was in the room.

“Please, go to the Capitol. Find Charming, and bring me back news of him. If he spots you, tell him that I sent you to let him know that I am well and jolly,” which was a complete lie, of course.

The servant nodded, and let himself out, leaving Fiona alone in her home once more.

  
“Let Prince Charming get his work done fast and efficiently,” Fiona prayed to the gods. There was nothing she could do now but wait for the servant to bring back information on her husband, and hope that everything would turn out alright.


	5. ACT 3

 

CHAPTER 3A

 

 

It was finally time. This was the day they had all been waiting for. Now all that was left to do was execute the masterplan.

 

Shrek was seated on a marble throne, in all of his great green glory, as countless old geezers in tights, otherwise known as the Swampineers, stood and watched, waiting silently.

 

Off to the side, Farquaad stood huddled in a group with two of his three companions, giving careful instructions.

 

“Right, so I’m hoping you both understand your roles?” Farquaad whispered.

 

Weulf held his hand up, stating, “I am responsible for the distraction. I will keep Shrek’s attention on me by engaging in a heated discussion about the production of onions.”

 

Farquaad nodded at this.

 

Then, Davillion spoke, “I am responsible for the signal. I will feign a sneeze, and that is when—”

 

“—that is when I will first stab him, yes,” Farquaad finished for him. “After I deliver the first blow, you two, along with Prince Charming, will join me. Together we will stab him until he is dead.”

 

Weulf furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Farquaad, where is Prince Charming, anyway?”

 

_SLAP._

 

“Ow!” Weulf cried. “What on earth was that for?!”

 

“ _YOU UNEDUCATED PIECE OF GOOSE CRUST_! Have you not been listening until this point?! Charming is luring Donkey out of the building. Though he may be powerless after Shrek is dead, he will without a doubt try to stop us if he witnesses it happening in front of him,” the short man clarified.

 

Weulf nodded hesitantly, terrified to the core. The small dude sure had a way with insults…

 

Just as they broke out of their circle, Prince Charming rushed back through the door, nodding. This was confirmation that Donkey would not be back for at least 10 minutes, which was more than enough time to carry out the deed. Once more, all four men glanced at each other. There was no backing down from this now.

 

“Swampineers and spectators alike,” Shrek’s ogre-powering voice silenced the room. “I am here, just as you called for. Now tell me, what has gone awry that the magnificent Ogrelord must make right?”

 

As the Swampineers each voiced their concerns, the conspirators moved into formation. Davillion stepped behind Shrek, keeping a fair distance, and Prince Charming stood to the left of the chair, while Farquaad positioned himself on the right. Finally, Weulf, the last to find his spot, moved to stand at the front of the throne, bowing to imply that he had a request.

 

The Swampineers paused in their ramblings as Shrek held up a hand to them. From there, he faced Weulf, smiling warmly.

 

“You wish to say something?” Shrek inquired.

 

“Y-yes. I-I have a request of sorts,” Weulf nodded.

 

Shrek waited in silence for a few moments, then tilted his head up, prompting Weulf to continue.

 

“Well… for starters, I think that we should expand the onion fields!” Weulf began, gaining confidence as he spoke.

 

“Ah, I like the sound of that!” Shrek smiled. “Tell me, what is it you like _best_ about onions?”

 

As Weulf and Shrek began talking, Davillion slowly crept closer to the back of the chair. He had to keep his mind on the goal here: sneeze! Once he sneezes, the murder will commence. He needed to make this sneeze _count_. He wanted to make it special. After all, on the off chance that they get punished for this, it might be the last sneeze he ever gets as a free man!

 

A subtle clearing of the throat caught his attention, and he looked over to Farquaad, who was making movements with his head that could only mean _hurry up, you piece of goose crust!_

 

He realized that Weulf was struggling to keep the conversation going. Davillion had to remind himself that Weulf wasn’t _actually_ an onion enthusiast as Shrek was.

 

With a determined look, Davillion braced himself as he conjured up the massive rush of air. This was it. Ready, set…

 

“MYFIRSTLOVEWASMYPETGOLDFISH _AGAHGFHGFHAGHGFHGFHHH!!!_ ”

 

The entire room froze.

 

Farquaad facepalmed.

 

Prince Charming’s face melted into a look of disgust mixed with confusion.

 

“Davillion, wha—”

 

“—oh for the love of— _GO_ , YOU BUFFOONS!” Farquaad screeched, and they all whipped out their knives.

 

Farquaad delivered the first blow, as planned, and then everything went chaotic.

 

Shrek’s panicked cries echoed throughout the Capitol as the sharp objects were plunged into his green ogre blubber _ogre_ and _ogre_ again.

 

“NO, PLEASE!” He screamed as another searing pain shot through him.

 

“I’m sorry, Shrek,” a voice whispered, and… wait… Shrek knew that voice.

 

Shrek turned around, hurt and betrayal evident in his eyes as he spotted Prince Charming.

 

“Charming… I d-don’t belie—”

 

“—then _don’t_ , Shrek. Don’t _believe_ it’s me, just _accept_ that it’s me,” Charming said this without any explanation, but it seemed that Shrek didn’t need one.

 

“You… I always did t-trust your judgement, Charming… So if you do think it is my time… I-I will accept my fate. So n-now, Charming? **_It’s ogre._ ** ”

 

And just like that, Shrek fell.

 

Gasps echoed from the Swamp Society members as they came to terms with what had just happened.

 

Prince Charming had tears in his eyes. Of course he knew this was required, and of course he went through with it, but… Shrek _had_ been one of his dearest friends. And for the ogre to be so accepting of his fate, just because it was Charming who delivered the final blow? It was an emotional revelation.

 

“It was _charming_ to be your friend, Shrek. Thank you,” he whispered to the corpse.

 

“Are you seriously whispering to a _dead body_?” Farquaad rolled his eyes. Then, looking around, “Hey, has anyone seen Weulf around?”

 

A muffled sound could be heard. They all looked around, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. Finally, they looked down, and…

 

“Heyh guyfs,” the muffled voice of Weulf was heard, as a hand waved back and forth underneath Shrek’s massive dead body. “Liffle helph?”

 

The three others pulled the fat ogre off of him, setting the body aside. It was a hideous thing. The red blood contrasted with the green hue of Shrek’s skin, and it almost seemed like Christmas. But the four men were celebrating something else on this day.

 

“Attention, Swamp Society members, and all citizens of Far Far Away!” Farquaad’s voice rang out, causing all eyes to go to him. “I, along with these three men, have killed the Ogrelord!”

 

Prince Charming took over, “Now we know you may be wondering: why? What motive did we have to do this?” He paused for effect before continuing even louder than before. “SHREK WAS DANGEROUS! Yes, that’s right, I said it. He would have certainly lead us all to destruction, and I know, deep down, that you all believe me.”

 

Murmurs and hushed conversations broke out amongst the onlookers. It seemed that the majority of the crowd was in agreement.

 

“You must understand that we did this for the greater good,” Davillion joined in. Weulf just nodded along, because after a massive beast has crushed you, you don’t have much lung capacity left.

 

A horrific screech interrupted the ordeal. Heads snapped in the direction of the sound, only to find Shrek’s best friend, Donkey, standing with his mouth hanging open. Donkey galloped over to the corpse of the ogre, and proceeded to pound on it with his hooves.

 

“Shrek! SHREK! Nah, son, you can’t leave me like this! You swore we would eat cake after this was all over, man, you _swore_! How can you just break a promise like that, huh?! HOW?!”

 

Some had to look away, unable to face the heart-wrenching scene. Donkey had been the “noble steed” that had assisted Shrek in saving Albus Dumbledore from the 1,000 foot fall from the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts, millions of years ago. Since that moment, they’d all been… well, as Donkey describes it… tight.

 

Donkey continued to weep over the dead body for minutes, before finally composing himself. He looked up with a mysterious fire in his eyes. He had a plan.

 

“All of you,” Donkey began, “I want you to meet me outside in ten minutes! That includes you four,” he pointed at the conspirators. With that, he left.

 

The minute Donkey was out of sight, he bolted, galloping along at lightning speeds. He had to get back to Shrek’s house—to _Albus_ —quickly.

 

After bumping into everyone in existence on the way there, he finally arrived. Once inside, he was immediately met with Dumbledore, his eyes troubled.

 

“Albus… Shrek, he—”

 

“I know already,” the old wizard replied, surprising Donkey.

 

“What? How did you…?”

 

Albus smiled sadly.. “I hear things, Donkey. And I know things. I’m not the greatest wizard of all time for nothing, you know,” he finished with a wink.

 

Donkey nodded. “Well, I raced back here as fast as I could. You see, the people at the Swamp Society meeting, all of them, are planning to meet me outside in 10 minutes. What I need you to do is—”

 

“Way ahead of you,” Albus grinned, stepping sideways.

 

Behind Dumbledore was a table. Upon that table was a bowl, a grinding tool, three powders and potions that Donkey couldn’t identify, three onions, a spellbook, and Shrek’s emerald ring.

 

“Wait, how did you get his ring?” Donkey wondered aloud.

 

“He left it here this morning, and… I had a feeling we might need it, so I didn’t return it.”

 

Ah, so Albus had anticipated this would happen. Donkey felt bad for the wizard, he had been through much. But now wasn’t the time.

 

“Alright, well, uh… I guess we should get going,” Donkey looked up at Albus, nodding once.

 

They mixed it all as quick as they could. They took the individual layers of one onion and put them in the bowl, then they added the first potion and powder. They repeated this twice more, with the layers of the other two onions, and the last two potions and powders. Lastly, they grinded up the emerald in Shrek’s ring. Albus recited an incantation from the spellbook, before tossing the ring dust over the mixture. Smoke billowed up, and Albus waved his hand, clearing it away. A single perfect onion was left in the bowl, and all traces of the mixture were gone.

 

“It’s ready,” Albus said, turning to Donkey.

 

Together, they set off toward the Swamp Society courtyard, with the onion in their possession. The plan was unspoken, but understood by both of them. Their decisions and actions on this day would have a great impact, and they had to be careful.

 

By the time they arrived, people had already started to make their way outside. The four conspirators stood out from the crowd. It was probably due to the fact that they just committed murder, but who knows?

 

Donkey motioned to Albus, who stood at the very back of the crowd. They had agreed on a signal. Donkey would pretend to break down in tears, and when he did, Albus would bite the onion, beginning the summoning.

 

“Everybody,” Donkey began, taking his place in front of the people. “I know that what we have just witnessed was tragic. I must say, I am troubled by it. Shrek was my closest companion. Our friendship was frickin’ snazzed out the schnoz, and he will be missed. I also know that those four,” he gestured to the conspirators, “did not do this out of the coldness of their hearts. It’s not like they were trying to take Shrek’s place, right? Of course, they only did what they thought was best. But… surely there was a better way to go about it?”

 

Albus took note of the way Donkey kept glancing at him. The crowd spoke amongst themselves, many of them agreeing with the noble steed speaking. Soon, however, they were silenced as Donkey stomped his hoof.

 

“THESE MEN MUST BE PUNISHED FOR THIS. IT WAS A CRIME, AND YOU ALL KNOW IT. THERE IS NO TWISTING THIS INTO SOMETHING GOOD. SHREK WAS A GOOD OGRE, AND YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR JUST STANDING BY!” Donkey finished, and then he gave the signal.

 

As Donkey’s loud cries filled the air, Albus bit the onion with determination. The ground shook, and people screamed. A green mist settled upon the earth, engulfing everything around it. People coughed and spluttered as the substance filled their lungs, compromising their breathing. Some dropped to the ground, others covered their faces with their shirts, some just ran around screaming. But _everyone_ stopped what they were doing as a mighty ogre roar reverberated through the atmosphere.

 

Terror-filled screams filled the air as the green mist condensed into the form of… an ogre!

 

The form spoke, “I HAVE RETURNED, AND I AM ANGERED! ALL OF YOU… PREPARE FOR THE SHREKONING!”

 

That was the day everyone got Shrekt. Only Donkey and Albus were left standing among hundreds of dead bodies, with the world around them shrouded in darkness. Albus recited a spell, and Shrek’s spirit flew into the onion that was used to start all of this. Albus kissed the onion, then watched it float away. Up high in the air, the onion glowed. A bright light flashed, forcing Donkey and Albus to close their eyes. When they opened them again, the world was bright. Looking up, they saw the sun. Only, the sun wasn’t the sun anymore. It was still circle, yes… but it had ogre ears, and the slightest tint of green.

 

Tears leaked out of the old wizard’s eyes as he looked at Donkey, whose expression matched his own. They smiled at each other and hugged, knowing that everything would be okay.

 

“What will we do now?” Albus asked.

 

“Well,” Donkey grinned, “I don’t know about you, but I’m making waffles!”

 

Albus laughed, “It’s all ogre, now.”

  
And it was.


	6. Credits/Contributors

Multiple people contributed to the making of this story.

We are here today to honor those people.

 

**IDEA**

Henry Perez

 

**PHOTOSHOP**

Erin May

 

**WRITING**

Erin May

Henry Perez

 

**EDITING**

Caitlin Moser

 

**MORAL SUPPORT**

Colleen Pazumas

Clarissa Baxter

Caitlin Moser

Micah Beebe

Mai Lam

_...and many more._


End file.
